This is crazy, I've had the exact same experience. In middle school, I decided point-blank that I would be as efficient and unemotional as possible--the least amount of steps from point A to B, the least amount of words to answer a question--and shaved off unnecessary activities until I was left with nothing but work from wake to sleep. To twelve-year-old me, dissociation seemed like a revelation, a solution to all my problems, and the only explanation I could come up with for why others didn't embrace it like I did was that they were too stupid or irrational or low-willpower. I thought people who grieved their family members dying only did so because they lacked discipline; if they tried harder they too could be stoic like myself. I was sent to a series of therapists, and I remember one of them telling me, "of course, you don't want to be a robot" and I was confused--didn't everyone want to be a robot?
Same as you, this was triggered by middle-school social exclusion. I got out of it a bit earlier than you though; in third-year uni I crashed and burned, which seemed like failure at the time but in hindsight gave me a chance to rebuild my worldview relatively early in life.
Here's a question for you: Why do you think dissociation was alluring to you as a child? There are lots of sixth-graders who get excluded, but very few who turn to compulsive efficiency to cope, and (I imagine) fewer still who remain stuck like this for decades. What is it about your brain that makes it susceptible to this kind of failure mode?
Interesting! I suspect that the compulsive efficiency was some nexus of dissociation and moderate OCD tendencies -- and that lots more kids learn to dissociate from their feelings than pick up the very specific habits discussed. I think some level of dissociation is very common as an adolescent coping strategy!
I really enjoyed this post. The section about addiction hit particularly hard. It feels daft to say - but the most beneficial ideas I've learned in recovery are about doing the contrary action. Getting out of the loops of automaticity and 'going against your impulses'. So seeing the framing here of agency as on the other side of that which is automatic was nice. Even when that which is automatic was once the clear solution to a set of problems.
Another great essay. I was in a similar situation for many years, using alcohol to paper over my deep emotional issues, blindly grinding my way through the military, collage, and a career in music journalism (sounds fun, was fun, but also broke me physically & mentally). It took years of therapy and sobriety (plus SSRIs) to finally realize I could actually feel good about life. And, most importantly, that I actually have a choice about what happens next.
In my work with clients I hear agency used to denote and connote a dozen things! I see it as intentionality- ie things don’t just happen to me. I have choice.
This is about “will to power” (as per Fredrich Nietzsche).
related to this a lot— especially the part on being unpopular when i was younger making me decide that i was going to be someone whose redeeming quality was excellence
i like this framing a lot: "Sometimes, people are warned off psychedelics because they can totally rip apart your way of life. That’s exactly what they did for me, and I’m extremely thankful."
This is crazy, I've had the exact same experience. In middle school, I decided point-blank that I would be as efficient and unemotional as possible--the least amount of steps from point A to B, the least amount of words to answer a question--and shaved off unnecessary activities until I was left with nothing but work from wake to sleep. To twelve-year-old me, dissociation seemed like a revelation, a solution to all my problems, and the only explanation I could come up with for why others didn't embrace it like I did was that they were too stupid or irrational or low-willpower. I thought people who grieved their family members dying only did so because they lacked discipline; if they tried harder they too could be stoic like myself. I was sent to a series of therapists, and I remember one of them telling me, "of course, you don't want to be a robot" and I was confused--didn't everyone want to be a robot?
Same as you, this was triggered by middle-school social exclusion. I got out of it a bit earlier than you though; in third-year uni I crashed and burned, which seemed like failure at the time but in hindsight gave me a chance to rebuild my worldview relatively early in life.
Here's a question for you: Why do you think dissociation was alluring to you as a child? There are lots of sixth-graders who get excluded, but very few who turn to compulsive efficiency to cope, and (I imagine) fewer still who remain stuck like this for decades. What is it about your brain that makes it susceptible to this kind of failure mode?
Interesting! I suspect that the compulsive efficiency was some nexus of dissociation and moderate OCD tendencies -- and that lots more kids learn to dissociate from their feelings than pick up the very specific habits discussed. I think some level of dissociation is very common as an adolescent coping strategy!
We’re all architected differently. This is a wild guess in the dark based on the tiny bit you’ve shared, so please disregard if it’s not helpful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCwlOdINBGI
I really enjoyed this post. The section about addiction hit particularly hard. It feels daft to say - but the most beneficial ideas I've learned in recovery are about doing the contrary action. Getting out of the loops of automaticity and 'going against your impulses'. So seeing the framing here of agency as on the other side of that which is automatic was nice. Even when that which is automatic was once the clear solution to a set of problems.
Resonant. Your wording helps me make sense of my own experience, and I appreciate your openness and sharing.
Another great essay. I was in a similar situation for many years, using alcohol to paper over my deep emotional issues, blindly grinding my way through the military, collage, and a career in music journalism (sounds fun, was fun, but also broke me physically & mentally). It took years of therapy and sobriety (plus SSRIs) to finally realize I could actually feel good about life. And, most importantly, that I actually have a choice about what happens next.
In the exact same place. Just quit my job. Feels good to know someone else feels this too, so thanks for writing this
I have always assumed you had to have agency to express and fulfill intention- interesting how you separated the two. Thank you
thank you!
Interesting Cate.
In my work with clients I hear agency used to denote and connote a dozen things! I see it as intentionality- ie things don’t just happen to me. I have choice.
This is about “will to power” (as per Fredrich Nietzsche).
I like that, I've also heard it described as "internal locus of control"
Beautiful and powerful, thank you
This was powerful to read; resonant with my own journey in some painful (and beautiful) ways. Thanks for sharing!
also: disassociation is such an alluring, soul-destroying siren.
related to this a lot— especially the part on being unpopular when i was younger making me decide that i was going to be someone whose redeeming quality was excellence
Still holding my breath after finishing this piece a few minutes ago.
God damn, you are an intense and gifted storyteller.
Still holding my breath, a few minutes after finishing this piece.
God damn, you are an intense and gifted storyteller.
dear cate,
beautiful piece.
i like this framing a lot: "Sometimes, people are warned off psychedelics because they can totally rip apart your way of life. That’s exactly what they did for me, and I’m extremely thankful."
thank you for sharing!
love
myq
This was very well written. Thanks for sharing
Thanks for sharing.
"ferocious, nonspecific activity" :chefs-kiss: