37 things people love about Sasha Chapin
A communal love letter to my husband
This week’s post is something a little different, in honor of my husband Sasha’s birthday yesterday. Getting together with Sasha was one of the pivotal acts of my life — something that set me on a totally different course than I would have been on otherwise, one with a lot more degrees of mental freedom. Meeting him was like encountering an alien intelligence — someone much smarter than me in a way that I didn’t realize people could be smarter. He had a kind of mastery over his own inner life, and a corresponding ability to model the inner lives of other people, that I hadn’t experienced before.
I know Sasha has this kind of effect on many people, but I don’t know if he really knows it. So I asked 37 of his favorite people what they love most about him, and picked out my favorites among the 100+ they sent back.
“That he’s good at looking at people. Like in a way where it feels like he’s looking freshly, not out of habit.”
“That if he learns a better way to be, he will actually change his behavior accordingly. I think this is something like extreme openness plus agency, and is very admirable.”
“That time he made me the most delicious drink I have ever tasted in my life, and I asked him how to make it, and his earnest explanation started with: ‘Oh, it’s so simple. After you sous vide the mango …’”
“That he does the best introductions of anyone I know. A testament to the care he puts into getting to know people is the skill (and humor) he has in describing them to one another.”
“The way he listens so effectively that he sometimes seems to understand substantially more than what I’m saying. Speaking with Sasha can be an experience in unusual communication bandwidth.”
“The party trick he taught me once where if you see someone you want to talk to (a girl, even), you can walk up to them and say ‘Hi, I’m [your name].’ I didn’t know this! But it turns out that’s kind of what parties are for.”
“The way he inspires hope. Maybe it’s the freedom with which he expresses himself or the ways that he has chosen possibility after possibility, the lack of rigidity along his life’s path. I’m always left with the feeling of … it’s not too late. It’s never too late.”
“That he is one of the few people I know I can bring to any social setting — a midsummer night’s dinner party, WWE wrestling match, meditation retreat, runway show, chess tournament where no one makes eye contact — and know that he’ll be grand and have a wonderful time.”
“The almost-joyful way he reacts when the universe has defeated him with some new, humbling, even unflattering truth; an instant and patient surrender which leaves his soul grinning while his ego shamelessly concedes, ‘good game.’”
“That no matter how insane or jumbled the word salad that falls out of my mouth may be, Sasha will immediately and kindly edit it in real time — giving us both something, just, immensely better to work with. I’m grateful.”
“The fact that, though perfectly aware of the various status hierarchies he intersects with, he still seems to choose whom to value and spend time with based on a private accounting.”
“The way he embodies healthy masculinity. He’s brave, mischievous, protective, kind, and sensitive. He’s also jacked.”
“The way he makes mundane things take life when he speaks them. He can write coherently about the ineffable, showing us all it was a skill issue all along.”
“The glee, engagement and utter specificity of his description of his favorite scents.”
“That he doesn’t need a pretext for hanging out — the purpose is to spend time together. We don’t need to discuss anything in particular, eat, see something, play boardgames or get coffee. We can just be together.”
“That I can be a little kid around him. I don’t just mean that I get to display charming child-like delight and curiosity, I mean I get to be bratty, and sad, and aggrieved without logic, and he accepts it and welcomes it like no one else.”
“The way he loves to help at a party — matchmaking, running an advice booth, playing bartender or scent-tender. He always has a job.”
“His unique ability to gently interrogate and expand his conversation partner’s comfort. He is really skilled at perception, but doesn’t assume. He meets you where you are at, like, ‘Ah, are you cold? Might I offer a blanket?’ But the blanket is made of helpful clever words, and the problem he perceives is not temperature, it’s some niche and extremely specific psychological block you are experiencing.”
“The knowing, mischievous smile he will give you that lets you know he noticed the same thing you did and is sharing a moment with you. It’s fun and silly and makes people feel seen.”
“The fact that the most distressed I’ve ever seen Sasha was having to play a deception game with his friends.”
“That despite being a writer, a notoriously thin-skinned sort, he has never received feedback in anything other than the most charitable light. I never have to pick my words carefully, he always gives me the benefit of the doubt.”
“That he’s open and accepting of his flaws and limitations. He’s one of the least pretentious people I know, and when he has a pretension, he shows us ‘look, this is a pretension I have, isn’t that funny?’”
“That he’s better at giving advice than anyone I’ve ever met — meaning, giving it in a way that it will actually be heard by the person receiving it, which takes a thousand times more skill than just giving the ‘right’ advice in a way that’s divorced from context. It puts people in the best position possible to actually make progress on their problems.”
“That he’s self contained, like he’s his own stable boat and isn’t clinging to you to keep from drowning. Many people have a small amount of this but he has basically none of it.”
“The fact that he so obviously wants what’s best for his friends even if it means calling them out on blind spots or other uncomfortable things.”
“That he loves weirdos, he brings us together, and somehow through his deep capacity to actually care for us, we all get more weird in the best ways.”
“That he is not morally self-serious in the slightest, but seems to tumble into very moral behavior like a deeply lazy Taoist fisherman.”
“The way he looks forward to cooking for people so much that he starts planning the menu for dinner parties weeks in advance.”
“That one can rest in his presence knowing that, though one’s neuroses are probably being seen with penetrating clarity, they are also being held lovingly and in good humor.”
“The way he can get so wrapped up in a conversation that he’ll basically forget to keep driving and will be cruising at 10 mph under the speed limit.”
“The way that he writes and sings beautiful music, and how he has so many other notable positive qualities that I’m not even sure his music will make the top 37.”
“His exuberance and natural leadership in organizing group activities. It takes vulnerability to ask people to show up, and he is so natural at it I don’t think he realizes it is a difficult thing for some people to do.”
“More than anyone else I know, Sasha cares about the internal lives of other people for basically no reason other than that he cares. Nothing ever feels transactional with him. He’s an incredible person to have in your corner.”
“That he’s an unusual mix of being an incredibly good listener AND he has an amazing stream of ideas, observations and self reflections to share. I have a large sample of humans and I can’t think of anyone else who’s a ‘10’ on both, most of us are quite lopsided. If you’re talking to Sasha and you’re feeling chatty, he’ll listen deeply. If you’re with him and you’re feeling quiet, you can just listen to him riff and let him handle silence management. It’s a unique pleasure.”
“That I’ve never seen him show any inclination towards belittling or sneering. And he has little time for people who try to impress others by being snide, cynical, or cruel. This creates a force field of good vibes around him.”
“How generous he is. After meeting me for the first time, he offered to meet up with me just to teach me nondual meditation. Only when I went on my first Jhourney retreat did I realize how influential of a meditation guy Sasha is in the Bay! He’s responsible for a ton of people hitting their first jhana simply by writing about it.”
“That I know in my heart that if I ever needed a friend to help me out, in whatever kind of situation, no matter how ridiculous or how much my fault — I could call and count on Sasha. I am so grateful to have him in my life.”
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I really love each one of the tributes to your lovely husband, but the sous vide mango is hilarious. I clicked on the link to his bio, expecting to see a wise and venerable looking grey bearded sage, but was shocked to see how young of an old soul he is. A keeper indeed, but how lucky he was to find someone who would organise such a wonderful gift. You are clearly very well matched. Thanks for sharing, I absolutely love this post.
What a wonderful tribute! I hope he has a sense of his dispersed effects on readers, too. The article he wrote on strength training back in 2021 is what got me started lifting weights (though, it took me rereading it in 2023 to really start; the seeds took some time to germinate). My entire relationship to my body and the world has changed as a result.